10 Ugly Truths After Giving Birth

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These 10 Ugly Truths After Giving Birth are SO FUNNY. I love parenting humor like this...so true, but sooooo funny! #ad #MyPoiseMoment

After giving birth to two of my own bouncing-bundles-of-crazy, I’ve learned that giving birth is not just about pushing out that cute 10-pounds of joy. No, there’s a whole ‘nother side to that coin, my lovlies. And, from one mom to all you other to-bes, hads, and might-one-day-haves…these are the honest to goodness 10 Ugly Truths After Giving Birth. Don’t pee your pants laughing–its totally the truth. Real life, what it’s like after you have a baby.

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10 Ugly Truths After Giving Birth

  1. Sleep Deprivation is a Form of Torture. You will get none, precisely when your body needs sleep to recover from the trauma of having el bebe. After giving birth, you will be stronger than those prisoners in Gitmo. Because you will not break under the pressure of no-sleep and pain. You. Are. Mom.
  2. Oh, the Yeast! Whether you had antibiotics during the birth or not, there was a lot going on down there and the likelihood that your hoo-ha is out of balance is distinct. And you know what sucks? Itching while you hurt.
  3. C-Section Pain vs. Vaginal Pain. I will take a vaginal delivery any day over the c-section. But, BOTH hurt. And will continue to hurt for a LONG time. Like months. Which sucks. You can either hurt when you sit down or when you get up…
  4. You Pee Yourself. I will not admit that this happened to me before or after giving birth. At the hardware store. A month after baby was born. Just a little bit. But I WILL tell you that the only thing that saved my sanity was Poise…because a friend of mine may have had some momentary loss of bladder control until all those muscles healed. Go to Sam’s Club and buy a box…just in case. Buying for my friend in this photo…good deals, discrete aisle. Not bulky like period-liners. Just trust me on this. And let’s stop talking about it now (even though, let’s be honest, about 1 in 3 women have some light bladder leakage sometimes). poise in-store
  5. Fugue States Exist. Psychiatrists say its rare, but I think that, for a few days, weeks, or even months, after giving birth, new moms suffer from distinct fugue states (amnesia for those of you not power-watching crime dramas while your babies are napping)…you just aren’t you. I may still be in one from the last baby 9 months ago. Who knows if I’ll ever BE ME again.
  6. Showering is Optional. Because after giving birth, you have a lot to do. There’s a little one, breastfeeding or making bottles, and, like, just being alive…some days a shower just can’t happen. Or teeth brushing. Or going to the bathroom.
  7. No One Else Helps Enough. It doesn’t matter if you have someone waiting on you hand-and-foot…they just can’t keep up and neither can you. It’s just a horrible situation and you need an army of you–no one else. Just. No. One. Helps. Enough. (especially not your husband, that jerk that got you up-the-spout in the first place!) (see #5: Fugue States Exist.) Here’s my oldest daughter being a BIG help…gah! what happens after you give birth sq
  8. Breastfeeding is a Mystery. Doesn’t matter if you’ve given birth to 54 children, each one is different and their latch is unique…you have to relearn what works and what doesn’t specifically for each child. The darn things don’t come with a docking-instruction manual. Gah!
  9. Dads are Clueless. You gotta love ’em, but it’s like when you pushed that watermelon out, they just lost their brains out their butts. I mean, figuring out how to put a onesie on is NOT rocket science. And bring mamma a drink while I’m breastfeeding. Don’t make me ASK for everything…read my mind already.
  10. You Never Feel Like the Same You. (see #5: Fugue States Exist.) Oh, and also, that’s not your body you’re in anymore. After giving birth, you will never fit into those awesome jeans again, even if you lose the weight. You will pee yourself (something you never, ever did before baby). You will always have scars that remind you. You had a baby and more than just your body changed. You’re a mom. A whole new side of you emerged with that watermelon of ouch. And you just never come back from that.

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I guess it’s all ok, though, because, you see, these are the cutest toes–and so what if they danced on my bladder for 9 months, causing me to have a tiny loss of bladder control…they’re cute, so…heh.

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Hit me up with a comment below…I’d love to hear if you had similar experiences. LOL!

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