20 Things You Get My Kids That Make Me Want to Strangle You

(Inside: It’s sometimes more than I can bear if my kids are being loud and crazy all the time. And when you buy gifts for them that feed this…well, that’s now on you. These 20 Things You Get My Kids That Make Me Want to Strangle You are slowly driving me nuts–or perhaps it’s already happened.)

I love my kids to the moon and back, but they drive me bat shit crazy!

I am saying that in the nicest way possible.

Then it’s like manufacturers deliberately try to make you hit your breaking point!

If you don’t have kids, I can cut you some slack, but if you have kids, I just need to know what is wrong with you?!

If you are about to shop for my kid or any kid, here are 20 things you get my kids that make me want to strangle you!

20 Things You Get My Kids That Make Me Want to Strangle You

The Despicable Me Fart Blaster. Oh yeah, my kids love it! It’s down right hilarious to them. To me, however, the constant obnoxious fart noise that is repeated non-stop for hours on end, if I let them, makes me want to strangle you.
Drum Sets of any kind. Yes, I know music is great for kids and can be great for their development. However, their development will be stunted if I hear one more boom because I am gonna fit them inside those drum sets and bang on them.
LOL Dolls. Not only do these things put all kinds of confetti mess all over the house, but have you ever had to deal with a toddler having a meltdown because she can’t find her microscopic “Little sister” to go with her microscopic “Big sister?”
Microphones especially without the karaoke set. It’s bad enough to watch “Frozen” 5 million times, but it’s even worse to listen to the first 30 seconds of the same song over and over and over again.
Tiny Lego Sets. Do not get a toddler Legos! They don’t build with them; they leave them on the floor and I step on them in the middle of the night as I’m trying to find the bathroom.
More stuffed animals. Every single stuffed animal has to go into the bed and be tucked in every single night. Anymore stuffed animals and my child might suffocate, ok.
Hasbro Bop IT. Oh yeah, family game night….that sounds like a great idea. That is, until it is no longer used as a game, and in fact becomes a torturing device that shoots lightning bolts through a parents skull.
The multi voice changer. It is bad enough to listen to my child in one voice let alone multiple voices at ear piercing pitches. One day it’s going to hit the back of the wall.
Squeaky hammers. Seriously, at what were manufacturers thinking when they made a hammer that squeaks when you bang it! Try getting woke up to that on your head.
Cars and Trucks with lights and sounds. These things are just obnoxious. It’s fun for about 5-minutes, but apparently kids like to push the button until the batteries die out. Seriously–and don’t get me started on those long-lasting batteries. NOOOOO!
Glitter glue. I love glitter, but not for my kids. It gets all over, makes a mess, and don’t even get me started on the glitter glue. If you want to explain that I didn’t spend the weekend at the strip club to every passerby then please don’t get glitter glue.
Markers, crayons, and things that are used on my walls. What is paper? Seriously, you can buy all the paper you want to go with these things, but my kids will inevitably use them on the walls, instead. If you want to come clean my walls, though, by all means buy them.
Fart Putty. There is seriously enough farting noises that happen in this house. We don’t need more. Not to mention, fart putty isn’t very easy to get off the couch, out of your child’s hair, or off the wall.
Bike Horns. These are one of the most annoying things to ever be invented! It is hard enough for me to get myself on a bike and go for a ride with my kid let alone listen to squawking the whole time.
Kinetic Sand. This stuff seems great in theory, but trust me; when it dries to something, you will NEVER get it off! If you get this, it’s not coming in the house.
Candy, sugar, and snacks. I don’t deprive my children of sugary goodness, but they don’t need anymore! If you get them sugared up, I am dropping them off at your house at midnight while they are still bouncing off the walls.
Bunchems. A simple search of “Things that get stuck in kids hair” will show you all the million reasons I will want to strangle you if you get my kids these. It is literally worse than picking out lice eggs!
Talking dolls. Let’s face it; talking kids can already be enough of an annoyance. However, talking dolls just top it all especially a talking Elmo!
Popper. You know those stupid little toys that kids push around and it pops the balls onto the hard plastic surface. Yeah, those pops go through a parents head like nails on a chalkboard.
Shoes with skates in them. Heelies are what every kid wants and every parent dreads. It’s so annoying walking in a store with your kid who is rolling into the old lady in front of them because they decided it would be fun. But, feel free to buy them–and let them run over your bare toes a few times. Sure. Great.

So, unless you have a grudge with a parent, don’t get kids these things. End of story.

They will most definitely make the parent of the child want to strangle you.

And, do me a favor, as a reminder to yourself and all the good people out there that don’t know better, but need a reminder, pin this and share it on Facebook or Twitter–a million times if you have to.