There is One Thing That Terrifies Me as a Mom. It’s irrational, and I get that there’s really no need for fear. But it doesn’t stop the concern. It doesn’t make it go away. I can only hope to cope on a daily basis and not let myself drown. And, sometimes, talking about it helps. So, I thought I’d share here. See if that helped a little with the thing that terrifies me. And maybe I can breathe a little easier tonight.
The One Thing That Terrifies Me as a Mom
Someone will take my kids from me. Not like a kidnapper or something weird, but that my husband will divorce me and take them away somehow in the custody dispute. Or that my older son will do something completely out of line that I can’t control and CPS will come to take them all.
My husband isn’t likely to divorce me anytime soon–we’re pretty solid in that department. But the reason for this fear is that my biological father tried to take me from my mother when they divorced. It affected my life pretty profoundly, though I feel like I am a better person for it. But the fear remains, even if the reality is distant.
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Honestly, this second scenario is what frightens me the most, because it’s the most “real”. Not that I think my son would do anything intentionally to get the children removed, but the fear is real. And it’s sometimes choking.
How I Cope
Not well, honestly. I mean, there’s no way to erase the fear or walk away from it. I have literally woken in the middle of the night from horrible nightmares that left me sweating and in tears thinking that either of these scenarios have unfolded. But, I do go through a kind of reminder that helps me to deal.
I remind myself every day that I can only control myself. Nothing more. These fears are mine, so I CAN control them, and not allow them to dictate my life. I can kiss my children goodnight and know that I will see them in the morning. And I can do my best to prevent my secret (well, not so secret anymore) fear from coming true.
My plan is to do a good job maintaining my marriage–giving where I can and being sure to take what I need when I need it. This is not something that I find hard, but it’s also not something that comes naturally. I have to try and so does he. As long as we’re both trying, it will work beautifully.
The second part of my plan is a little hairier. I keep my son separate from the other kiddos when he’s in “a mood”. That’s really the best I can do. I can’t control his actions and he’s volatile, to say the least. So, I am vigilant. Always. It’s exhausting and will likely have a significant effect on my daughters’ lives. But, to keep them safe, this is what I feel I must do. And I do my best to parent my son, despite his repeated attempts to buck that guidance and force me to push him away. Because, at the heart of things, to ultimately keep him from doing something just one step too far out of line, he will need a parent to guide him away from those choices.
So, coping is a misnomer. But, I do the best I can.
